so it seems that right now i am in a very “fuck it” mood. i just feel like a piece of crap and out of place. but that’s kind of how i always feel which is weird. camp is supposed to be that one place where i belong, but it doesn’t seem that way anymore. I’m even contemplating leaving for half the summer. that’s crazy! i can’t believe I’m even having these types of thoughts. obviously I’m not going to leave, but to even think about it is bad.
where are all my friends? it seems that i am left to the ones that i can count on my fingers. the people here are fake and don’t like me. they probably just pretend they do. they don’t really care about me. that isn’t fair. i love this place, but its the people that make it, and I’ve already started thinking about not coming back next year.
i often wonder that if i left, would anyone be bothered by it. and when i do wonder i always come to the conclusion that they probably wouldn’t. i should of gone to travel, gone somewhere far away, experience greater things than what this place can offer me, which isn’t much. the people here just don’t care. everyone has got someone and i seem to not have my someone or someones. i suppose i do have one, but they have their one. it seems that i’m not anyones someone right now and that makes me really sad.
this place is supposed to be happy. its supposed to make me feel happy, feel good. there are supposed to be good people here, accepting people, people that want you to be there and want you to feel like you belong. i want to be that person, but i don’t have people to do that with. i am not in a group of friends where i can make people belong. it seems that everyone already has their group of friends and i’m the one that’s the outcast.
i am always the one that gets left behind here and i’m really tired of it. i don’t want to do it anymore. only three weeks have gone by, can i really do this for the rest of the summer?
but is it me? am i making myself seem like an outcast? i feel like i do this to myself sometimes, but i also realize that it isn’t just me. others are making me feel this way. when i was in school, i kind of felt this way, but only because i did it to myself. i was okay with being alone in my house. i had my cat or my sister or my mom or a friend to hang out with most of the time. but here NO ONE CARES about me and its so frustrating.
"i hate to see you sad, celena", bullshit. if this was true i could be telling you this stuff right now.
"i’m soooo sorry i know it sucks like i fully understand why you’re pissed", no you don’t because you never feel the way i feel. you aren’t the one who gets left behind. you aren’t the one without friends to be there for you. it’s me, and you are supposed to be my friend. you’re supposed to support me. if you really cared you’d know this stuff.
i just want to cry. i don’t want to tell any of this to anyone, they just wouldn’t understand.